Have you ever wished that your relationship could go back to the days when you first met your partner and everything seemed so much more dreamy and romantic?
The way he moved, the way he looked at you with his big blue eyes just made you melt? What happened where did that passion go? How can you bring that spark back? Is it possible to turn the tables on a relationship that seems it is already shipwrecked?
Well yes your Captain is still there, he is just confused, it doesn’t matter what he said to you, and he just can’t seem to understand what you want…
The question is you need to tell him, not demand, or nag, just say, ‘I am sorry I am not making sense at the moment yet this situation is bothering me and I just would like you to listen to me. ‘I don’t need you to fix this just allow me to vent.’
As the first mate of your Ship it is your role to communicate emotionally your needs to your man. The Captain (your man) is learning here, be patient with him he doesn’t know your language or your wiring.
It is important to realise ladies that The Captain (your man) needs time alone to work out his issues. It is not because you are not the love of his life it is the way he is wired.
The Captain will go to his man cave, office, footy game, television, or whatever it is that makes him feel emotionally better to sort through his issues. He is ‘not’ neglecting you at all he is doing his action man stuff. ‘Why’ because men are 90% action and 10% thinking. He is looking for an action plan so that he can solve his situation.
This is why men are not emotionally deep conversation people. They are learning vulnerable communication skills in this life be patient with him and understanding.
I am not talking about relationships that are one sided here, these need definite coaching to bring them back into balance, I am talking about relationships that are not having some of your needs met and you will know which of these are once you have finished reading this.
When he seems down try out these tools below:
- Ask him if he needs his own time.
- Ask him if he needs anything from you right now, if he said ‘no’ respect this as he does mean no.
- Don’t take it personally it is not about you it is about him, he is trying to work it out by taking action and not thinking too much about it.
- Be supportive by giving him space, he will love you even more for this and return back to himself quicker when you give him this trust.
- Tell him the reasons that you are worried he is not talking to you and that you can at times take that personally. Communicate to him that this is your issue and you are not blaming him at all yet need to understand the deeper causes of him emotionally closing down when he is ready.
- Do not force a man to communicate to you when he is not ready because he will feel as if he is failing at being The Captain; tell him you understand he needs time to himself.
- Put your partner first then you will understand it is not you that are the problem here; it is the problem itself that he cannot communicate to you yet because he hasn’t worked it out and doesn’t want to be seen as a failure.
- One of the biggest fears of men is the fear of failure and not being able to find the solutions to fix the problem, and in his eyes he wants you to trust him that he can find the solution and solve the issue. Give him the space to do this. He is looking for your support in this way.
- Ask questions yet do not go overboard with these questions with your man especially if he is in shutdown mode.
- Again don’t take it personally. Tell him you are frightened and that you will smile again just by knowing that you are not the issue and it is something else.
- What men really want is to see their first mate smiling again and will blame himself if she isn’t. The Knight in Shining Armour metaphor here. They want to be your White Knight, like in the old romantic movies.
- Sometimes your man needs to anchor the dingy and take a short trip to his man cave. Sometimes he will do this with other Captains and again it is not about you this is just how they work out there issues.
- If he is into exercise he may ride with other Captains in a biking group, or he may be into the gym or playing pool. Allow him this time and he will come home shining. If you reprimand him he will feel like he is failing again and continue to reject you.
- Communicate with him, leave him love notes, tell him he is doing a good job at what he does, and compliment him on being a great partner otherwise how is he going to know if you don’t tell him.
- Tell him he is a great husband, and Dad etc, just for giving life a go.
- Don’t expect him to know what you like in regards to romance tell him or write him a letter so that he can work with you and practice this.
- If he wants to get you gifts yet keeps getting it wrong don’t put him down, again write a list and decorate it with pretty stickers and place it in an envelope for him saying will this help. Don’t push it at him, do it as an offering.
Remember your man is learning how you are wired as the first mate of your ship. This is a two way process of learning to give. This takes practice. Real love is seeing it from their side of the boat and not just yours and playing the victim, this will destroy any relationship.
Be yourself and express your true core. Always know that in most relationships that your partner only has positive intent so try and eliminate threats and judgments.
By communicating with him you will find he will start to open up more and more as time goes on and he starts to trust this process.
Don’t expect results over night, if you continue to work with this on a daily basis you will have positive outstanding results before very long as you will be making this affirmative habit within your own mind.
The most profound key I can give you here is that you can only change you and the way you perceive your relationship, the relationship will change dynamically on its own just by this process alone.